Dear Amazon,
Could you please allow new mommies and daddies to register for the following items? They would be most helpful:
(1) Detatchable robot arms.
These arms are made of soft comfy steel for bouncing baby to sleep for up to 1 hour at a time. The arms then detach from adult's body and slowly lower baby into her swing or bed, all the while still lightly bouncing so that baby's eyes do not pop open when she hits the surface. They remain there to again levetate baby when her eyes pop open 10 minutes into her nap, and so the process repeats.
(2) Anti-crying medicine.
No explanation needed. Please oh please just say this exists.
(3) An entire shirt (and maybe pants?) made out of burp cloth.
A simple cloth will not do for the baby that deftly removes burp cloth from mom's shoulder just prior to spewing spit-up everywhere. This burp-cloth shirt is large and functional, yet stylish. Or at least as stylish as a rumpled, wet nursing tank top.
(4) A third arm for nursing.
This arm allows moms to control baby's thrashing body as she nurses. Different functions allow the arm to hold baby's head in place, hold the boob if necessary, and manage that sneaky little hand that always gets in the way. Oh, and support her entire body. Preferably, this third arm could do all these things simultaneously, allowing mom's own two hands to leisurely read a book or make lots of comments on facebook photos of other people's babies (or mom's own baby for that matter) who are smiling in all the photos even though we all know this only happens for a fraction of the day.
(5) Performance fabric swaddle blanket.
There are lots of great swaddles out there, and we have been gifted with several. May I also suggest a swaddle appropriate for beastly Cambodian afternoons, made of mesh and air vents. Especially on the bum, which is constantly sweaty. Alternatively, this swaddle could simply consist of velcro straps around the arms or a giant rubber band that serves to hold baby's arms in place so that she can sleep undisturbed.
(6) Diaper rinser machine.
The bum gun is great for washing off cloth diapers. But you know what could be even better? A little shoot that you can send the diaper down immediately upon removal, which then sends the poopy cloth through a little rinsing machine and plops it in the diaper pail (which would, of course, smell utterly delicious). This could be something simple, like one of those things you wash off golf balls in.
(7) Patience pills.
For mommy and daddy to consume as needed.
(8) Latcher-oner.
This small devise magically latches a baby on during feedings and, get this, allows baby to stay latched for the duration of the feeding. No more thrashing baby head with sensitive morsel of mom's body in her mouth.
(9) Mini baby blinders.
A simple, humane way for baby to avoid over-stimulation. Especially useful during feedings and while getting baby to sleep. Of course, this should not be used during baby's play time, at which time her intinsely interested wide open eyes are utterly adorable.
(10) Year-long maternity leave.
Amazon U.S. please refer to Amazon Canada and ask how they made this accessable to their customers. Oh wait, universal health care? : )
Thank you for considering making these items available. Please expedite my order to: House with Crying Baby, Prey Veng, Cambodia.
Sincerely, Daphne